Sofia Speaks

Stroll Six: JOURNEY  
As the adage goes, Life is a journey, not a destination. We cannot always set our own course, but we can choose to look for meaning and joy along the way. This stroll invites you to reflect on your life’s journey – both the big picture and the individual moments that comprise it.

PAUSE 1
Return once more to the story of your life you wrote in the beginning of this book. Parts of it may have been as straightforward as walking from the Perennial Garden to the Wedding Gazebo, like you did during your fourth stroll. Others may have been more complicated, with unexpected twists and turns. What challenges lay in those complications? What rewards?  (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 58).

Journal Entry 1
This stroll is complicated to figure out. I initially had a hard time finding the garden but when I did it was amazing. From the different fragrances to the variety of blooms. This garden is difficult to figure out which way to go. I find that I tend to avoid the crowds/people.

Update to Pause 1
Now that I have had more time to intentionally learn, reading my response to this prompt is hilarious. For one, I completely dodged the question being asked of me, and I know why. For two, I now know that when I am overstimulated, I shut down. Re-reading my response about having a hard time finding the garden. Then once I found it, I clearly tried to focus on being present, but was soon distracted by the number of people in the garden. 

I side-stepped the first question for the same reason I didn’t answer the question honestly at the beginning of my book. I was in denial about my marriage, true feelings and addressing my past up until that point was something I was not ready to do. So I deflected, thus my initial response.  

PAUSE 2
Like plants reaching toward the sun, we humans always seem ot be striving for something. We are frustrated by obstacles and feel unfulfilled when we don’t get what we want – and, in many cases, even when we do. Psychotherapist Russ Harris advises us to focus on our values rather than our goals, building our lives on how we want to behave instead of what we wish to obtain or achieve. Consider what personal values give your life purpose and meaning, and how living those values might bring you fulfillment and satisfaction. (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 58). 

Journal Entry 2
I’m not sure what focusing on my values means. Once I figure that out, I’ll come back to this prompt. Values: Integrity, Kindness, Creativity, Accountability, Gratitude, Empathy, Determination 

Update to Pause 2
I was in high school when I cracked the code that I had the power to control the outcomes in my life, versus believing that obstacles controlled me. My personal weapon of choice: writing goals. Having goals helped me achieve my professional milestones, which at the time were: graduating from high school, getting into college, graduating from college, finding a career, etc. All of which I did well at because that is where I chose to focus my energy on and in return I received a tangible return. However, it never occurred to me that instead of applying goals to my life, I should instead structure my life around values. Don’t get me wrong, I have personal morals that I live by and have always but values. Values are different. According to Webster, morals differentiate between right and wrong behavior within society or an individual’s code, whereas values represent personal beliefs about what it is important or worthwhile. BOOM! There it is. I have just now understood why I have based my life on morals versus values. The way I was raised was based on morals. I was told what behaviors were right and those that were deemed wrong. I never had the opportunity to think about or really imagine what my personal values are. I have been conditioned to seek approval based on the moral code of rights and wrongs from what society determines and  deems acceptable. Which is very similar to goals. Goals typically derive from societal normalities. Do A, B, C, and D get E, F, G and H. Right. However, this has only conditioned people to look externally for validation and confirmation on their life purpose. Goals are great but only if they are in alignment with your purpose and one can not truly reach their potential or determine their purpose unless they understand themselves. I have been seeking external validation my whole life unknowingly, because of my conditioning. My goals in turn, have only been based on supporting a structure and system that has been created by society, rather than my purpose. Goals are designed to keep you in a perpetual rat race. Once an achievement has been made another is created. Consistently putting in effort to receive an outcome. Minimal thinking goes into a goal, and it’s designed that way. There is no depth, no true meaning to a goal except to achieve an outcome. Does this sound familiar? What is a moral? A moral is a societal construct. Now, what is a goal? Typically, people base their goals on socially constructed life achievements. Graduate from high school, go to college, obtain a degree, find a job/career, get married, have children, rinse and repeat. But values. Values hit different because once you do the internal work to determine your personal values system and intentionally live your life that way. Baby, you are on the road to being aligned with your life’s purpose and your true calling. 

Now, some might say values are taught in church. To which I would say correct. Values are typically learned in church, and I challenge that. For one, I was not raised in a church (thank you to my ancestors for protecting me), and two, even in a church, values are given to you. They are not something that is individually created. And what have we learned about values? Values are what? A PERSONAL BELIEF. Meaning everyone’s values will not be the same and they should not be because everyone is on a different life journey and path. We should be meeting people, exploring the world to find others who align with our core values and even those who don’t. Determining your values will help align you with your purpose and how you should journey through life. I actually have a values worksheet that I received from couples counseling (ha what a joke) that I plan on completing, and that is how I plan on living in my life moving forward. 

PAUSE 3
These strolls are an opportunity to wander freely, without a predetermined route, and to quite literally “take time to smell the roses.” What would it be like to live your life this way? We each have very real stresses and responsibilities that can make it feel impossible. But experiencing life in a new way need not happen dramatically; inhaling a rose’s sweet scent only takes a few seconds. What small actions could you take to bring yourself a bit of flexibility and joy each day? 

Journal Entry 3
Taking time to stop and smell the roses will be an amazing way to live life and I plan on incorporating more time in my life to stop and smell the roses. Taking walks and learning to pause and reflect. Asking myself how am I doing? How was my day? What challenges did I face? What’s bothering me? Plants require specific environments to thrive. I find myself asking what environment do I need to thrive? (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 59). 

Update to Pause 3
Oh wow. I have changed drastically since my initial journal entry. I actually changed my environment quite literally; I moved to a new location. I also have things that I love to do that I’ve leaned into that bring me joy everyday. Such as, I have a new tea house that I visit and buy amazing new tea’s as well as essential oils that I burn in my home throughout the day. I stay connected to nature as much as possible by going on hikes and walking in the park. I write as often as I can and check in with myself to make sure I’m okay. 

PAUSE 4
By now, you have become familiar with the Formal Gardens, but at one point the different garden “rooms” and their paths were new to you. Needing to navigate unfamiliar territory can inspire excitement, uncertainty, and fear. Poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote about finding support and discomfort in ourselves in the midst of unfamiliar circumstances; he believed that we are each our own home, and from that shelter, he wrote, you will find all your paths. Think about how you might find a home in yourself to help you make your way through uncharted territory.

Journal Entry 4
I find a home within myself by having the comfort to know I will always find the right path for me. Trusting the thought and feeling comfortable with myself and cozy in my own home. Myself.

Update to Pause 4
I’ve always loved myself but the love I have now is a lot deeper these days. It has depth. Purpose. Guidance. Alignment and can not be compromised. The love that I had for myself BC (Before Childbirth) was more of a need to prove to myself that I can do this. That later evolved into proving to the world (quietly) “I can do that and I got this”. Now my love is more of a question to myself are questions such as; what makes you feel alive? What drives you? What makes you smile? What will make you happy today? How can I be of service to you? What do you need? Where would you like to go? (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 59). 

I use my inner self as my compass to guide my life and even if I am guided into uncharted territory, I understand that there is a lesson within the choice I made that I need to unravel and grow from. There is no such thing as a challenge, only a solution, and I live by that. Because I do so, there will always be peace inside my home. 

PAUSE 5
Author Annie Dillard wrote, How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. In practice, your life’s journey is nothing more nor less than your days and the hours within them. Today, you chose to spend some of those hours in quiet reflection in these gardens. What other daily choices will you make about how to spend your life? (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 59). 

Journal Entry 5
Moving forward, I plan to nurture relationships. Not be to quick to rush to conclusions, talk things out. Cherish moments, people be more thoughtful and empathic, rather than angry or hurt.

Update to Pause 5
I laugh as I reflect on my response to this prompt because, although I have implemented being empathic and not rushing to conclusions, I now understand that I can’t do this with everyone. Everyone is not on the same journey that I’m on and a lot of people, more often than not, carry a lot of pain, hurt, anger and resentment. Because I can spot this now and understand what it looks like I don’t engage in conversations where people intent is to argue instead of comprehending what is being said. For instance, a lot of people wear masks in life and specifically at work and it’s not until they are home that their true selves are revealed. My story was actually the opposite. I was my true self more at work than I was at home. I personally felt more comfortable being who I truly am at work than I did at home. I was guarded at home and at work I was free to be myself. I realize that the majority of my childhood and adolescence, I was wearing a mask to protect myself from my environment. I realize that then carried my environment from my childhood and adolescence into my young womanhood because it was an environment I was most familiar and comfortable with so I didn’t see the difference. I was a product of dysfunction and had been until this experience broke the illusion that I carried with me for 37 years. This experience taught me to turn inwards to my life to make the necessary changes that no longer fit who I am and really never was. I had been able to do this in my career and have been very successful at it but now it was time to clean up my life and I did just that. 

PAUSE 6
Every part of your life’s journey matters, from beginning to end. Sometimes you will rest; at other points you will stand still; and on yet other occasions you will move forward, whether with one slow step at a time or at a run. Where are you in your journey right now? Appreciate the beauty of being in exactly this spot – even if it is a difficult place to be – and ask yourself how you can find meaning while you are here. (McCaffrey, Ruth DNP, FAAN. “Strolls for Well-Being at Brookside Gardens.”, Brookside Gardens, 2006, p. 59). 

Journal Entry 6
I’m on a journey of slowing down in my life, reflecting on self-evaluation, growth, and healing. I appreciate the time I’m in my life currently. Grateful that I found this class and the opportunity to slow down and reflect. I’m excited ot have tools and resources to heal from past trauma and learn from my mistakes. 

I can do the work that needs to be done.

Update to Pause 6
I’m doing the work. Will continue to do the work, and I want to be a helping hand for others who are willing to do the work.